We love, we learn, we live.

I learned that a person can say the sweetest things without meaning any of it. I still don’t understand how or why, but I have learned to accept it.

I learned that healing after a heartbreak can’t be rushed. It will take time, but it also takes resolve to move on. I know when the time comes, because sad songs on the radio become just beautiful music.

I learned that when the other person did not choose me, it is not necessarily because I’m lacking. It is because I am not what he is looking for, and it will not change even if I try to change.

I learned that after falling in love and getting my heart broken a few times, I think I will know better the next time around, but I don’t. Each love is different. Each love still makes me wonder, still makes me nervous, still makes me scramble for what to do. Not knowing is what builds each love story.

I learned that I need to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do no matter how late it is. Like living in a different country at age 27, learning how to drive, or having swimming lessons in my thirties. The feeling of accomplishment is the same as when I rode my first bike when I was six.

I learned that the things I most regret are those that I did not do. Sometimes, I need to experience certain things for myself. I will always prefer knowing over wondering, even though something feels like a doomed writing on the wall. Who knows, it might turn out differently after all. If not, then I can walk away without a what-if, without looking back.

I learned that being in love makes me look forward to waking up in the morning. It may be because of that “good morning” message, or wanting to take extra time to look pretty that day. It doesn’t matter, I just want the day to start as soon as possible.

I learned that I need to love and accept myself to receive love and acceptance from others. How I feel emanates from my being and reflects in my actions. The company I keep sense it.

Most of all, I learned that it doesn’t matter how many scenarios I’ve imagined in my head about my own fairy tale story. The universe has a way of surprising me, and it always gives me something I’ve never imagined before.

“There’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time” – Kate Monster

You want to fall in love again.  You want to experience the butterflies that feel like it’s going to tear your tummy apart, but in a delicious way.  It’s been a while since you had that ridiculous feeling of giddiness when you receive a greeting or a message or a phone call or, really, just any form of communication, from him.  The random smiles, just because, that make people wonder what secret you’re hiding.  The guessing game, being a master of reading between the lines, does he love you … does he love you not?  The sense of being home by just looking into his eyes, hoping he sees the same in yours.

So you pray, to the universe, you pray for someone to come along and shake your peace.  You walk through the streets looking at strangers thinking if he might be the one.  You read romance novels, watch movies with happy endings, to check if you’re still capable of feeling.  You watch couples walk by, wondering how they found each other, and how you will find yours, in time.  So you keep looking, that you did not notice that someone has casually strolled into your life.

You meet, without giving him a second thought, but circumstances somehow throws you in the same path.  He, for some reason, wants to talk to you.  He, for some reason, looks at you like how you want to be looked at.  He, for some reason, feels comfortable.  And you, for the love of all that’s sane, starts to feel drawn to him.  He intrigues you, and you want to know more.  He was not doing anything out of the ordinary, but you’re falling. You start to become friends. You have conversations that lasts hours, not knowing how the time passed by so quickly and you weren’t the least bored.  Still, it wasn’t enough.  Love songs suddenly make sense again.  He makes you want to write, about love, about him.  Last night, lying in bed, he was the last thought you had while attempting sleep.  This morning, he was your first thought.  Then you knew you’re in trouble.  You’ve become interested enough, enough to finally admit to yourself that …  wait … he’s taken?  He’s taken. You try to make sense out of … what do they say … all is fair in love and war.  Especially when he asks a hypothetical question: “What if you thought you found the one, but then someone comes along and suddenly things make more sense?”.  You have no answer to that, because you don’t want to spend any more time hoping.  You know you will back away slowly, wishing you‘ll not stumble along the way.  You will beg your heart, in a whisper so he wouldn’t hear, to stop beating for him.

Sometimes, you really have to be careful what you wish for.

Merry Christmas from me to you!

The clock struck midnight and it’s time to celebrate the birth of our saviour. For a Catholic like me, it is the most festive season of the year. Somehow, this time, while I know by heart the essence of this occasion, the ‘cheer’ has not sunk in. Being based overseas, away from my family, and friends on their holidays, I now find myself celebrating Christmas alone for the first time. I checked Facebook looking for a pick me up, but after seeing all the happy and smiling faces, I ended up feeling a bit more lonely than before. It doesn’t help that I’m currently single, nor that I am in the Middle East where this day is not really a ‘thing’.  While I had dinner with a couple of friends earlier (they don’t celebrate Christmas though), I guess I’m just wishing for someone to celebrate with me when the clock strikes 12.  Now I know first hand that holidays are the hardest when you’re not in the company of friends or family. Still, I will celebrate this day the best way I know how. After all, this occasion is more than the gifts and the parties.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and may our hearts be big enough to give and accept all the love around us!

I’ll get through today, and will start thinking about the new year tomorrow.

paliparan

Nabitin ako sa kwento natin kaya gusto kong dugtungan
Alam kong nasa iisang lugar lang tayo
Pero di ko alam kung paano at saan kita hahanapin
Madami sanang paraan, kung may alam lang akong pangalan
Mamumukhaan kaya kita kapag nag krus ulit ang landas natin?
Sa sandaling pag-uusap, alam ko nang may ginawa ka sa akin
Hindi, bago pa pala yun
Sa labas ng paliparan, kung saan una kitang nakita …
Alam ko na
Nakakainis ka kasi
Ngiti ka ng ngiti, di ka naman nagpakilala
Lingon ka ng lingon, pero sana man lang lumapit ka pa
Mukha ba akong suplada?
Nginitian din naman kita a
Pasensya na, di kasi ako masyadong sanay sa mga ganitong bagay
Dapat ba ako ang lumapit?
Nag-aantay ka lang ba?

Dati, pinagdarasal ko na sana may makilala ako
Ngayon, nagdarasal ako na sana magkita ulit tayo
Sa panaginip ko, pinagsalubong muli na para bang itinakda
Sa isip ko, lumapit ka at pinaalala mo na may ikaw at ako
Sa imahinasyon ko, sa muli nating pag-uusap, natapos na ang paghahanap

Meron akong pakiramdam na parang may inaantay ako
Para bang nung nasa kolehiyo
Alam kong bukas, makikita ko ulit ang taong ito
Pero sa pagkakataong ito, ang pag-asa parang meron, parang wala
Ang kilig, nagiging sakit
Kasi hindi ko pa din naman alam kung nasaan ka na
Sana lang, naiisip mo din ako
Sana lang, hinahangad mo ding bigla na lang akong nasa harap mo
Siguro, kapag pareho tayong humiling
Di magtatagal, pagdurugtungin ang buhay natin

"to survive, you must tell stories" – umberto eco

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